Sta.sh
Kirby felt cold, she awoke in total darkness. A bright light started shining, it was blinding. "Am I dead?" She asked. A young voice spoke "Far from it, you're quite alive!" The light shined away from her eyes. Two green eyes were looking at her. The eyes blinked at her and he backed up and turned off the little light in his hand. It was Barky. Beside him was a very small looking fari named Angel, she was wearing a nurse hat. Kirby blinked and rubbed her eyes. She then tried to get up and felt a throbbing pain from her head. She quickly grabbed her head and closed her eyes. She gave a little whimper of pain.
"Don't do that!" Barky grabbed her and gently placed her down. "You hit your head." He calmly says. She started rubbing her head, which was coved in bandage. She looked around. "Where am I?" She asked. Barky tilted his head "You're at the hospital. You and Azure-"Kirby's head shot up "AZURE?" She gasped, cutting off Barky "Is he OKAY?" She looked worried. "If you let me talk, I could tell-" "WAIT! … Why are you dressed up like that?" She pointed out. Barky looked angry, he tapped his foot and crossed his arms. Kirby blushed and softly said "sorry…" Barky paused for a moment and waited for any more interruptions. He cleared his throat "You're at the hospital, you and Azure came in with some injuries. You are doing just fine." He paused and looked at her, Kirby smiled a nervous smile "You just hit your head. Azure on the other hand" Barky's voice got quiet "Well, I don't know…"
There was a pause. Everything was quiet. "But, don't worry, Azure is quite strong." He then waved over Angel. "Go get a wheelchair for Kirby. She must want to see Azure." Angel nodded and went outside the room. Kirby could hear voices from the hall. Angel started speaking "Would you like to see Kirby, sir?" a familiar voice spoke "No thanks, I just want to make sure she's okay, same with Azure." Kirby recognized the voice. "Boom?" she called out. There was a growl.
it's so well written :3
Barky's my fav.
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EAT TEH FISH AND LIKE IT
You should REALLY check out my Gallery
I know you may not have much motivation... but please try :'3
Re-making isn't the fun-est thing to do in the world... but when i used to read this it was great!
So I hope you can make something even greater out of this new/refreshed story
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There was a pause. Everything was quiet. "But, don't worry, Azure is quite strong." He then waved over Angel. "Go get a wheelchair for Kirby. She must want to see Azure."
Angel nodded and went outside the room. Kirby could hear voices from the hall.
Angel started speaking "Would you like to see Kirby, sir?"
A familiar voice spoke. "No thanks, I just want to make sure she's okay, same with Azure." Kirby recognized the voice.
"Boom?" she called out. There was a growl.
(P.S. Hoped this helped! your Fan VoidStarz :3)
Here is an idea for the Blackout series.
P.S. This is back in time...
P.S.(again) If you see "___" You fill in the blank.
...Kirby rose the sword above the girls head. "No! Please! Don't kill any of the people of our time, of it will affect your people!" Kirby looked at her and said, a twisted smile forming on her face; "How can my life get better? I've been through ___, ____, and ___! If I kill enough people, I might not have even met anybody I know today! Maybe it can all be better! We will all be happy!" At this time, Kirby was getting out of hand.
"Now, who's first?" She looked around and saw an old, old, OLD fat lady who looked vaguely like Flop. She threw the sword, and, expecting something to happen, Kirby saw Flop disintegrate into ashes, catch on fire, and dissapear in a dramatic way. Kirby smiled and kept on killing.
Soon, there were only 3 faris left. Her, the tribe girl, and a shaman. First, she killed the shaman while screaming; "DANG, I HOPE THIS IS THE ONE!"
aaaaannnnd, the whole Earth caught fire. >>God... Kirby thought. >>That was one of Blues ancestors... A tear dropped down her face. She picked up the bloody sword and said to the tribe girl; "Ok.... It's YOUR TURN."
Ok, Shiny! Please finish the story!
But it's really good. I'm looking forward to more!
I think you should describe the scene and emotions more. Why was it dark to start? You never mentioned any bandage being taken off Kirby's eyes if this was the case. This broke continuity for me, as it was dark, then torchlight, then a hospital. Before the second paragraph I thought they were in a cave, for Pete's sake.
Also, this might be personal taste, but instead of using capital letters for shouting, you could use a descriptive word like "shouted" or "boomed".
So this doesn't sound just negative, I liked the way you described the torchlight shining into Kirby's eyes, the way that it is clear that Kirby cares for Azure, and the ending which leaves a cliffhanger as to who it was that growled.
It got a tiny bit lengthy, but I wish you all the best for writing this story, and I hope you improve on the way and take our advice!
It's a downgrade in comedy.
Good... job?
i dont think ther is anyway to describe it.
I CANT WAIT FOR PART 5
*waits*
FUUUUUUUUU-
Despite that, though, it is concisely written. You also went to the work of making the grammar flow well, and one can sense the tension building up for a serious situation.
o3o How's that for feedback?
Also,
hooray ShinyEevee's on the front page!*shot*i find it would be good to add description or something that gives off a sort of "imagery" to the story, it would pull the readers in more
ALL OF IT.
Its quite short but all good art sometimes is~
I cant wait for part 5~
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at times its abit counfusing to tell whos saying what, but if u read it a second time, u get whos who....how was that?